5 likely reasons for the day that I finally snap and end up in jail

Needless stoplights.
Crazy pet adoption ladies who lurk outside the hardware store on weekends trying to get you to take in a stray.  (Do I need a weirdo suggesting that I lack the capcity to love because, despite having three pets, I could do more?)
People with loud mufflers.  I can forgive a poor person with a [...]

10 absolutely vital stories the media wants me to follow.

Whose baby bump is most fabulous?
What’s Brittney doing right now?
Has Amy Winehouse been arrested?  Come down with a new disease?  Checked into and/or out of rehab?
What are the girls on The Hills really like.  I bet they’re really nice.
Has Jennifer Love Hewitt lost weight in her butt?
What’s up with Beyonce and JayZ?  Are they happy?  [...]

5 thoughts thought during an evening without power.

1. Want beer, shouldn’t open refrigerator. But want beer . . .
2. Those unattractive nightlights I’ve plugged in all over the place are actually necessary. (It’s so dark, the dog can’t walk up the stairs – can’t see the stairs.)
3. Feel the need to roam around deserted shopping mall rather than sit in the dark.
4. [...]

5 things that children can learn about success from Rush Limbaugh’s $400 million payday.

1. Do whatever you can to get one group of people to hate another group of people.
2. Convince families of four who make $30,000 a year that they’re middle-class.
3. Discover what scares people and tell them that that scary thing is going to end the world as they know it.
4. Insist that everything is scary.
5. [...]

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors’ lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I [...]

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies – although they should be categorized into [...]

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can’t read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren’t affluent. (If you can’t afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, [...]