5 things from which our founding fathers should have declared independece.

1. email
2. cell phone/Blackberry
3. talk radio/cable news
4. unnecessary meetings
5. Lifetime Movie Network (isn’t there a limit to how many beautiful women from once popular television programs can be sexually/emotionally/physically threatened by raffishly handsome men who played secondary characters in television cop shows.)

5 things that children can learn about success from Rush Limbaugh’s $400 million payday.

1. Do whatever you can to get one group of people to hate another group of people.
2. Convince families of four who make $30,000 a year that they’re middle-class.
3. Discover what scares people and tell them that that scary thing is going to end the world as they know it.
4. Insist that everything is scary.
5. [...]

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors’ lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I [...]

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies – although they should be categorized into [...]

4 differences between muffins and cupcakes.

1. Muffins are a quick bread which require minimal mixing once liquid is added to the flour and cupcakes are cake which require creaming butter and sugar.
2. Muffins are bad for you at breakfast time, cupcakes are bad for you at other times.
3. There is no cupcake man.
4. Woman not likely to be called “mufffin” [...]

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can’t read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren’t affluent. (If you can’t afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, [...]

5 things that white, puffy clouds look like.

1. Bunny rabbits
2. Cotton candy
3. Smiling faces
4. The smoke from a horrible explosion
5. The fists of a vengeful god beating upon the Earth in retribution for our actions.